


(Not) A Problem

by legendofthesevenstars



Category: Tenkuu no Escaflowne | The Vision of Escaflowne
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Van Fanel, Communication, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Long-Distance Relationship, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29869764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendofthesevenstars/pseuds/legendofthesevenstars
Summary: As Van gets older, strangers start noticing him in a way that makes him uncomfortable. In his frustration and fear, he turns to the one person in whom he can always confide.
Relationships: Van Fanel/Kanzaki Hitomi
Kudos: 4





	(Not) A Problem

Though Folken and Father had been tall and skinny, Van only ended up being one of those. Five years had passed since he’d ascended the throne, and Merle had grown to be eye level with him and then slightly taller. He’d gained a little height, enough to put him back at eye level with her, but, he thought as he looked in the mirror, not with Folken. His muscles hadn’t filled out that much, and his shoulders decided they’d already broadened enough. Most of his growing had been done before he’d hit the age at which Father had ascended the throne.

His face lost the rest of its baby fat, and itchy stubble sprouted, spreading in patches across his jaw. He scratched at it as it grew in, and when he attempted to shave, he cut close enough that he decided to just let it alone. Though it thickened, it didn’t grow into a full beard. Nothing more than peach fuzz appeared on his upper lip, though he swore he’d seen a few dark hairs before. He trimmed his bangs shorter but let the rest of his hair grow until it sat on his shoulders, and he often tied it back in a ponytail.

Along with his body, his mind was aging, too. He was less irritable, and he wasn’t constantly longing for affection and closeness. Merle stopped clinging to him, too, and she found other friends, both humans and beastpeople. She started dressing more like an adult, and he wore simple royal robes, tied with a sash, over his pants rather than plain, thin shirts. One thing that hadn’t changed was that he still felt most comfortable in solitude. He recognized now that rather than lashing out when he was angry, it was better to vent his emotions by practicing sword forms or flying.

He’d become better at dealing with people. Reading manuals and consulting with Asturian royalty, including the former Regent Dryden, had prepared him for basic diplomacy with other developing countries. He maintained a good relationship with Asturia and Freid and, considering what Hitomi would want and what the young Duke Freid suggested, even extended forgiveness to Zaibach. Though he was only twenty, he felt much more prepared for the world than when he had undergone the Rite of Succession at fifteen. He hadn’t been ready for any of it back then, not at all. He’d been so hurt, scared, and lonely, but then he’d realized just how wonderful it was to love and be loved, and he’d also become confident enough to shoulder the duty and burdens that he had to bear alone.

But there was one part of himself he’d struggled to accept, and he hadn’t expected it to come up in diplomacy.

He was eighteen the first time he noticed it happening. He’d tied his half-brushed hair back in a ponytail, and though his robe was slightly tight, he hadn’t had the time to pick out a better-fitting one. The visiting country had just arrived, and the delegation was expecting the King of Fanelia to come downstairs.

The crown princess was the first to introduce herself. She was probably about his age or a bit younger, with brown skin a shade darker than his, and thick, wavy black hair. He had just begun talking to her father when he realized she was staring at him from across the table. He avoided eye contact with her and focused on talking to the king. But even though he looked away, she kept staring at him.

The king requested to see the shrine where Escaflowne rested. Van granted the request and had Ruhm show him out the door. Van had barely gotten up from his seat before the girl was already standing in front of him, gazing up at him through her eyelashes.

“Is there something I can do for you, Princess?”

“Oh, nothing, Your Majesty,” she said, and bowed her head slightly with a cough. “Is there a Queen of Fanelia?”

“No.”

He didn’t want to tell this stranger about Hitomi, even just to mention that he already had a lover. She, and his Draconian heritage, were the only two secrets he continued to keep from visiting countries. Allen had told him that if he had a lover but no evidence of her existence, rumors would spread. Van took his word for it and kept his long-distance Mystic Moon lover a secret.

“Oh.” She cupped her cheek with her hand. “I see…” Her eyes searched his face, pausing at his lips, then drifting down to his partly exposed chest.

Dread gathered in the pit of his stomach. “What are you looking at?”

She averted her eyes, frowning. “Excuse me. I really should join my father.” Clearing her throat again, she rushed out to the garden. He watched her leave, still feeling unsettled and confused.

He forgot about the incident until a week later, when he saw another young woman close to his age look at him not with the same awe that he usually got from citizens, but with that weird wide-eyed, searching look the princess had given him. A few days later, a young man looked at him the same way. He had gotten used to the minor discomfort that came with the common people staring at him, but the eye-searching made his skin crawl.

The third time it happened, when a visiting trader’s eyes roamed his arms and legs, he rushed back to his room in the castle, locked the door, took off his robe, and looked at himself in the mirror.

What were they looking at? He stared at his upper body, lean and slightly muscular, stray hairs curling in the center of his thin chest. Were they looking at his face? Or his muscles? Or somewhere else? He took off his shoes and walked over to sit on the bed. Somehow, he knew what they really wanted. But the idea of people looking at him and thinking about _that_ made him shudder.

He hugged his arms to his chest and set his scratchy chin on his knees, staring at the bedspread. His problem wasn’t new. Even as he’d grown up, even while he was falling for Hitomi, _it_ had never really _occurred_ to him. He knew all about _it_ , of course. He wasn’t innocent to the fact that everyone else wanted what he couldn’t imagine himself doing. It just made him feel like he wasn’t in on something everyone else got, like there was something wrong with him.

Van’s sole comfort regarding his problem had always been Balgus. Balgus had never said about a wife, husband, or lover of any kind, and he’d never had children. Van had convinced himself that he would be fine if he never fell in love, because Balgus never had, either. Against all odds, he had fallen in love. He loved Hitomi. He loved talking to her and hugging her. He wanted to kiss her, too, one day, kiss and even cuddle her. But though he loved being close to her, his body had never felt strange or different around her or about her. He’d never felt compelled to do anything intimate with her.

That princess eyeing him up and asking if he was single only confirmed his worst fear. Now that he was older, strangers looked at him and imagined themselves with him. Imagined him being intimate with them. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t picture himself doing any of that, not with strangers, and not with Hitomi. He hadn’t even brought it up with Hitomi because it had never come up. If she visited physically and wanted to go to bed with him, would he force himself to do something he didn’t want to, just because he loved her so much? His heart hurt and his stomach bound up with nerves thinking about it.

Eventually, he would have to talk to her about it. He would have to confess to her about his problem and she’d finally know that he hadn’t changed since he was a child, that he’d always known he was different in some way. What everyone his age wanted, even from him, he feared and dreaded. Though he loved Hitomi, more than anything as the years went on, he was afraid that his problem would become a problem for her, and that she would search for another lover who could actually satisfy her needs.

He flopped back on the pillow and lifted the pendant with one hand, staring at it reflecting the mid-afternoon light. He hadn’t talked to Hitomi in a while, and sometimes she was difficult to reach because she was busy or he just wasn’t on her mind. He wasn’t hurt by it; there were probably times she needed to reach him when he was busy himself. Laying the pendant on his chest, he sighed, folding his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling.

_Van? Were you trying to reach me?_

The hair on the back of his neck stood up hearing her soft voice. He saw an afterimage of her when he blinked, her short choppy hair she’d grown almost to her shoulders, her bright green eyes, and her gentle smile. _I was. Are you busy?_

_Do you want to talk about something?_

_Yeah, it’s…_ He worried his bottom lip between his teeth. _I’m not really sure where to start._

_You know you can ask me anything. I’m alone, and I’m listening only to you._

His chest warmed, but as soon as he felt reassured, his stomach twisted with nerves. He looked at his stockinged feet, then back to the ceiling. _You said you wanted to come back again someday._

 _Maybe just for a visit. Being so far apart isn’t easy for either of us._ He could hear the sigh in her voice. _I just wish I could hug you again._

 _I want that, too._ A smile spread across his lips, then disappeared as quickly as it had come.

_What’s wrong, Van?_

The concern in her voice relaxed his nerves only slightly. Where could he possibly begin? Maybe it would just be better to come right out and ask her.

_Hitomi, when you return, do you want to go to bed with me?_

She gasped. When he blinked, he saw her cheeks flushed pink. _What?! This—this is so sudden, Van! Why are you asking now?_

His stomach curled in shame and embarrassment. He’d totally phrased it wrong. _I meant to ask, is that something you would want to do?_

 _Um, well—_ She made an exasperated noise. _I… It’s…_

His heart was pounding in his chest. What if her answer was yes? But what if her answer was _also_ no?

 _I don’t know what to say. You seem nervous._ She paused. _No, not nervous. You’re upset. What’s wrong?_

_Just tell me your answer first._

_Why? Are you asking because it’s something_ you _want to do?_

He swallowed. _That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it. Hitomi, I…_ His heart was fluttering in his chest, his stomach cramping over and over with nerves. _I don’t desire anyone._

_What do you mean?_

_I don’t look at people and think about how much I want to go to bed with them. I can’t imagine thinking that about anyone. But people are starting to look at me like that. And it makes me uncomfortable._

_I see._ Hitomi’s voice softened, though he could still hear her clearly. _So you don’t want to sleep with anyone?_

_I don’t feel compelled to. I don’t understand looking at people and thinking about taking them to bed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I think I always knew I had this problem._

_What are you talking about?_ Her voice had a slight edge to it, and he flinched, his heart dropping into his stomach. _You don’t have a problem._

_Hitomi?_

_There’s nothing wrong with you, Van. I’m sure there are other people who feel just like you._

Though Van’s impulse was to tell her she was wrong, when he thought of Balgus, he felt reassured that she might be right and that they weren’t the only two people like that.

 _It’s not a problem,_ she continued. _I promise._

 _But if you do want my body…_ Tears burned behind his eyes. _I won’t be able to give you what you want. I won’t be able to be make you happy._

_But you do make me so happy already. I don’t want you to change who you are for me, or for anyone. I love you just as you are._

He wanted to say something, but the lump in his throat prevented him from even talking to her in his mind. He started to sniffle, and when he blinked, a tear trailed down his cheek, and on the second blink, another down the bridge of his nose.

 _I love you,_ he told her, not at all shy or ashamed to say it. He hugged himself, clutching his shoulders with both hands, and when he closed his eyes, he saw her smiling at him, the image of her face much clearer in his mind now.

 _I love you, too,_ was her reply. _Remember what I told you. There’s nothing wrong with you._

His heart felt warmed, but more genuinely, like he was really beginning to believe her words.


End file.
